I'm A Dancer Now...Really!

A lot has happened since I last wrote.  It's been a very busy 6 months...with kids, and work and dance.  I am a dancer now...and it's fun.  It may not have started out that way, but now I can honestly say that my weekly classes are FUN.

With a lot of practice and the help of the Resident Dancer (aka Angela), a very patient Miss Kylee, and with the encouragement of my fellow dancers, I now have a routine learnt and engrained in my brain.

Dance classes were overwhelming and "scary" to begin with, and brought back memories of Elementary school, where I didn't quite fit in, felt like the outsider and wondered if I would ever belong. Angela went with me every week to watch from the foyer so she could learn the choreography to teach me at home.  We practiced together every night, sometimes 4 or 5 times until I mastered the choreography and was ready to add on. Then I would come to class and look in the mirror and feel self-conscious again. Sometimes (and I'm not sure how this happened as I'm the parent) Angela was the one saying all the right things to make me feel better and boosting me up after an overwhelming dance class.  She got me through the first 4 months...telling me (she says she was honest) that I picked up choreography quickly, just like she can.

So I "mastered" the first few weeks of choreography easily...and then just as I thought "hey this isn't so bad..I got this", dance threw me a curveball...a step that didn't come easily and one I had had only done in class one week.  The "Pony Step"...a simple set of steps done to the beat of our music and one I felt completely stupid at.  I struggled with this step for over a month, feeling determined but discouraged at the same time.  Angela broke this step down for me at home into 4 sets of 1-2-3, gradually speeding up her counting as I learnt the step.  Over Christmas holidays with 3 weeks off from dance, she helped me figure out this step.  You will not believe how good it felt to hear Miss Kylee say the first week of dance in January, "Nice Pony Step, Brenda" with the thumbs up!!!

Since Christmas, the weeks have flown by, and week by week we added on choreography until we came to our ending pose, about 15-20 seconds before our dance is finished.  At the beginning of the year once we figured out we were going to be Cheerleaders, my fellow dancers decided that maybe I should be lifted and/or "tossed".  Being scared of heights, I immediately said "NO" to the tossing but okay to the lifting.  So there we were about to choreograph our "lift" and I'm trying to be positive and not let anyone know just how worried I was about it.  My knees aren't the best, they act up at times for no reason and going up stairs can be pretty painful at times. So far my knees haven't hurt going up and down from our lift, which isn't hard; I'm not up that high and the girls are supporting me when I'm up and help me coming down.  Believe it or not it feels pretty good up there...for me it's more then overcoming the heights, it's overcoming my not-so-great Elementary school days.

My first time on stage for Dress Rehearsal at the end of February was crazy!!  The first two times we practiced was incredibly funny and full of screw-ups, but the third time through was pretty good.  I haven't been on stage since I was 14, singing with my classmates in our last Christmas concert.  I have never been on stage with less than 20 classmates, and never dancing.  I am 1/6 of the class...and I am no longer afraid of that.  I have learnt that the stage isn't as big (yes, it's bigger than the studio floor) as you think from the audience when you're up there on it.  You have more room to move so you make your dance steps bigger.  Life sometimes feels big too, overwhelming and scary, and so do the things that have happened in your past.  Getting over stuff sometimes takes time, but dancing has given me a chance to express myself the way I had wanted to as a child but never felt I could.  I have been told by my friends that I am brave and have more courage than they do because I am dancing on stage...and yes it does envolve that, but so does dealing with things that your life throws at you. I will have Angels sitting in the audience watching me when I dance on stage for the first time April 30...my Mom and Dad. I wish they were here!

So if you see me dancing on stage, that's me fulfilling a dream I have had since I was a little girl. When you see me up in that "lift", that's me overcoming my fear of heights, and my fears of feeling like I don't fit in. Life is all about taking chances and having the courage to try something new. I'm still having trouble saying the words..but I really am a dancer now!!

I Think I Just May Be...A Dancer??!!!

I Think I Just May Be...

A Dancer??!!!

So I'm in my 8th week of Adult Jazz.  The first week I was terrified.  Why?  Not because I didn't know anyone, but because I was 25% of the class.  When 25% of the class doesn't know what the &^%$ (I don't swear, so insert your own word here) they are doing, it is a little overwhelming.

The next week there were five of us, so now I am 20% of the class.  I am still the only one with no dance experience, but I am learning, thanks to the help of my "dancemates" and our teacher Miss Kylee.  I told everyone that I considered them "Juniors" or "Intermediates" and that I was a "Jellybean".  "Jellybeans" are the youngest dancers at our Studio, the three year olds.

My third week of dance class I lost my balance and fell.  Completely on my left side.  Made a huge "thud" that the girls in the foyer heard.  The look on Angela's face was worse then mine.  I've fallen before, (not at dance, this was a first!), I picked my sore self up and continued on all the while thinking.."how bad is this bruise going to be in the morning??"  I made it through the rest of class, and then cried on Angela's shoulder in the car AFTER class was over and everyone had gone home.  I wasn't feeling sorry for myself...like I said I've fallen before, it happens.  I was dealing with a bit of PMS and missing my Mom.  If you know me well, you know I hate October.  So I started October 1 with a bang.  Or maybe a thud.

My fourth week of classes started and ended the same.  With me on my feet.  I called it a success, and Angela and I went for Hot Fudge Sundaes after class.  We celebrated my "success" and that made missing my Mom a little better.  October 8th over and done with mostly.  And Kelly was even home a day early from Calgary!!

October 15 was a good night of dance.  If I remember correctly, I think this was the night we picked our "theme".  After all these years I finally get to be a Cheerleader.  Think Grease.  So I'll be in a red and white Cheerleader "costume"....oh, boy.  A Cheerleader who can...dance.  Hmmm.  Well, maybe by the time I hit the stage in April I will.  I have a secret weapon on my side.  Her name is Angela and she has promised me that she will learn my choreography as well as her own.  I don't know how she will be able to keep her Ballet, Tap, Jazz and Musical Theatre steps straight, and then add mine to the mix.  Apparently "young" people can memorize a lot of stuff.

The next week of dance was rough.  It had been a very long physically draining week.  I had visited the doctor at the Hys Centre in Edmonton on October 16th, and ended up having a very minor "surgery" in his office.  I had to take time off work on Monday and Tuesday of the following week, and on Wednesday was only allowed to "work" if I sat and played on the floor with my 4 and 5 year olds.  I thought I was well enough to dance Thursday night, but after a full day of activity I was done by 9 pm.  So I just watched the last 15 minutes of class.  Hard to believe my Dad would have been 94 this year if he was still with us.  October is all good from here...

We cancelled classes the following week as Miss Kylee was away, and we were back at it on November 5.  I actually feel like I belong here a bit now.  It's still overwhelming at times, but I can  get across the floor...well, at least I didn't fall on my face when I tripped.  It was funny as I tripped/ran across the floor because my feet decided they had a different plan then Miss Kylee. I don't think she had these steps in mind!!  I twisted my ankle...but kept on dancing.  I iced it and wrapped it up and by Saturday it was all good.

So now we've come to this week.  We heard our music tonight.  I won't be giving out any hints on what it sounds like!  Next week we start choreography.  There's no turning back for me now.  I could be "airborne" in this dance if I let some Mom's have their way...NOT!!  If you know me well, you know I don't like heights.  I prefer to leave my two left feet on the floor.  Speaking of left feet, apparently I am a "leftie".  So is Angela.  What this means is that going on my left comes more natural to me then going on my right, so I'm a bit better at it.  What that also means is that out of our class of five, I am the only one who is a "leftie".  There's that 20% again.

So what does this all have to do with my Journey to a Healthier Mommy?  Sometimes it's more than a weight-loss journey and more of a personal one.  I'm growing in a way I've never grown before.  Maybe that little girl who couldn't dance because of the circumstances she found herself in has finally found a way to stretch those wings and fly.  Look Mom!!  I can do it!!!

I was given a compliment tonight by Miss Kylee.  She said I was more of a "Kindercool" (the 5 year old class) now then a "Jellybean".  Hmm.  For the first time I actually am looking forward to next week!!  Bring on the choreography!!  Let's Dance!!!

So I've had a few hours to think on this...Ok, Colleen, you may pick me up but there will be absolutely NO tossing me in the air!!!

Something New Here I Come

So its been a year since I last blogged.  There's been so much that has happened and its been a busy 12 months.

I went to my 25th High School Reunion on Thanksgiving weekend last year.  I had wanted to go, but the closer the day got, the more I second guessed my decision.  There were several people I wanted to reconnect with that I hadn't seen since high school and I wanted to go see my friends.  There were people I wasn't sure I wanted to see after all this time as these people definitely weren't my friends.  Kelly came with me, in his words, as my "bodyguard".

I found out that not everyone had as rosy of a childhood as I thought they did.  They had insecurities and doubts and some were even bullied in high school.  Some people had really changed in the last 25 years and were happier now then they were when we were in school.  Some, like me, didn't know if they really wanted to come but found the courage to show up.

I had a wonderful time reconnecting with fellow graduates and I am really glad I went.

So flash forward to today.  I made a decision this spring to try something new.  Something I'd never done before.  Something I wanted to do as a child, but do to circumstances I didn't have the opportunity to do.

I asked my family what they thought, and each one of them told me to "go for it".  Angela even offered to help me out.   So I signed myself up, paid the registration fee, and then started to tell a few family and close friends.  I figured if I told a few people, I wouldn't be able to back out as easy...

One of the reasons for me doing this is to try to lose the last ten pounds that just refuse to leave my body.  The other reason is that I really love to do this, but I do it at home, not in front of people.

Doing it in front of people scares me.  This is so outside my comfort zone, but if I don't do it now, I won't do it at all.

I know the Mom's I'll be dancing with.  Yes, I said dancing...

I joined Adult Jazz at Angela's dance studio and I have my first class on September 17th.  That's tomorrow.  The closer I get to my first class the more I second guess my decision.

But like my 25th High School Reunion, it takes a little courage to show up.  I guess I'll find out if I have two left feet...

My Inspiration--Part Two

My Inspiration--Part Two

Her name is Heather Adams.  She is my first Day Home Mom, the first Mom who trusted me with her daughter, Audrey, then 10 months old.  She is now the Mother of three, like me, and is doing it in style.  She is a runner, has run marathons, half marathons, and works out several times a week.  She writes her thoughts down in her blog, Marathon Mommy.  She has been blogging for a while now, telling how her life has changed since becoming a mom of two, and now three.  How running is her alone time, her time to think or just to run.  How there are days when things just don't go the way she planned...how beautiful her children are, even when they've just spilled breakfast all over the floor.  She has more patience in her little finger than I have in my whole body.  I don't have a little sister, but if I could chose someone to add to my family, I would add Heather.

I am writing my Blog about my journey to be a healthier Mom for myself and my family, because Heather has inspired me to do so.  For me it is my way of keeping myself on track, and to be accountable.  In the last 6 weeks I have rarely had a day where I haven't walked over 10,000 steps.  Two times I've walked over 20,000.  While I am proud of myself for doing that, I have had to be careful so that I don't injure myself.  Heather has an ankle that gives her grief at times, so when I found out that I was close to injuring myself I asked Heather for some advice.  I never thought I would be rolling frozen water bottles under my feet!!!

There have been a couple of times in the last month where I've had moments of doubt that I'm going to reach my goal weight...I'm sooo close.  In the past I would have let that doubt stop me or found another excuse to just give up.  Heather doesn't give up...she has patience to wait, so I am trying to be patient and give my body time to adjust to losing weight.  One week when I found myself weighing more, not less, I told myself not to panic.  Be patient.  After a few days, my scale said less again.

In the last few weeks Heather has dropped two of her children off with me for a couple of hours...she has no idea how happy that makes me.  Each of her children have a special place in my heart...there is nothing better than hugs and cuddles from little people to put your life in perspective.
If my journey to being a healthier Mommy takes me a little longer than I want, I will just have to follow Heather's example and be Patient!!

Update:

Heather just ran another half marathon in Banff.  I can honestly say that I don't know how she does it...but I am darn proud of her for doing it!!  I am still walking, and enjoying it, craving it and not being totally satisfied with my day when I don't walk.  I am finding that walking for me is like running is for Heather.  I get to think while I walk.  But I have slowed down a bit.  I walk until I hit 10,000 steps in the morning, which is roughly about an hour and 15 minutes or so.  I'm not pushing myself as much so I don't get hurt.  I'm okay with slowing down as it means in the long run I'll be walking, not sitting on the couch because I can't walk.  If taking care of me means I don't make 10,000 steps one day, that's okay because I know now that "Patience" sometimes means looking at the long term of my journey, not the short term.

And by the way...I've seen my goal weight show up on my scale now twice!!  I have now lower my goal by another 5 pounds!!!

My Inspiration--Part One

 My Inspiration--Part One

Her name is Donna, and she is my sister.  She has been there for me in the happiest times of my life and the saddest times of my life.  I don't know who I would be without her in my life.

Donna got married when I was almost one year old.  She has told me many times that she cut her honeymoon short so she wouldn't miss my first birthday.  I've apologized for not remembering her wedding.  She had twins when I was three years old, a week after a devastating time in our lives, when we lost our Mom suddenly, on October 8, 1974.  I don't remember much from those days, but I do remember being with my sister, living with her family for many months of my early years.  One of my favorite memories are of the two of us going window shopping at Eaton's Centre, getting a malt as a treat and riding the transit bus downtown.  I remember being told not to stare at the people at the back of the bus....you didn't see a lot of people with purple mohawks on the farm.  To a preschooler there were sure a lot of different people and things to see in the big city.  Years later I would be telling my own children not to stare...its funny how the littlest things come full circle.

My sister is tough.  She is kind, caring, loving and forgiving.  She has determination and grit. And she is my Rock. Donna is more than just my sister; she took over for our Mom--I don't know if Dad asked her to, or if she volunteered, but either way I'm thankful that she did.  She has taught me many lessons over my lifetime, too many to list here.  I just know that without her, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Donna is my inspiration in more than one way.  I'm trying to raise my children with the same morals she instilled in me, and she is one of the reasons I am on my journey to be a healthier Mommy.                                          

A few months ago Donna told me she had gone on a diet, and had lost 20 pounds just by watching what she was eating and walking on her treadmill.  This got me thinking that if she could do it, so could I.  So within a few days of that conversation I started logging into myfitnesspal.com on a regular basis.  The big day was July 14.  I don't know that I would have gone head first into losing weight if Donna hadn't started first.  Call it sibling "rivalry" if you want, but I:
a) didn't want to be left out and
b) didn't want her to do it alone.
Maybe I'm a copy cat in this case.  That's okay, its for a good reason.

I'm very proud of Donna for putting herself first...after raising five children (six if you include me) and seeing them off on their own, which is a huge accomplishment, I'm selfishly happy she is taking care of herself.  I want her there when one of my children make her a Great Auntie!!!  Her children have given me that honour 10 times!!!!

I started on this journey to being a healthier Mom for my kids.  I know what its like to grow up without a Mom and even though for the most part its in God's Hands, I'm doing what I can to be around for them.  I don't want to miss out on seeing each of them grow up.

This journey I'm on isn't a short one.  Maybe the weight loss part of it is, but I'm here for the long haul. I don't want to gain back the weight I've lost this time.  I want to keep it off.  I think what I've learned about myself and my body in the last 3 months will help me to keep doing what I'm doing for as long as I can.  My Dad lived until he was 90.  I guess that means I have at least another 40+ years (I hope) before I have to "slow down"!

Its August!!

Oh boy.  August.  August brings my birthday, Angela's birthday and William's birthday.  The 6th, 22nd and 28th.  Why did I have two children in August??  That means 3 birthday cakes!!!  Two of them within 6 days, which means I'll be facing a cake for more than a week!!!
Last year I attitude was "well its August, I'll start walking in September".  This year its "I'll have to go for a good long walk to enjoy those pieces of cake!!"  Everyday!!  Whether its outside or inside, I will have to walk...lots.
So far it hasn't been too hard to keep to my diet and exercise.  I've been making my kids come with me on some of Devon's new walking trails.  The boys grumble and complain, but Angela comes with me because she knows that walking is going to help me get to my goals.  I'm finding that support is important...and needed!!

August 12, 2014

I had a wonderful birthday.  I had a Snickers Birthday cake from DQ.  I factored in the estimated calories of a slice of cake in the morning and then made sure I walked enough that I could have a slice after supper.
For my birthday, my children gave me $22 towards my present, a Fitbit and Kelly put in for the rest.  A Fitbit is a pedometer that keeps track of my steps, the stairs I climb, the calories I burn and how I sleep.  It works with myfitnesspal.com.  The first day I walked 5000 steps.  The second day I walked 12,000 steps and yesterday I walked over 15,000 steps.  If I burn more calories than I eat, it shows up on myfitnesspal.com.  Getting to my goal of 8,000 steps has been easy.  This Fitbit knows my name and encourages me to move.  Even if its just walking in place.  I feel pretty good about my activity, and I am seeing little changes in my body.
This is the first time I've kept at any sort of weight loss/exercise.  Usually I get off track and then don't get back on track for months.  This time its different.
Looking forward to going to a wedding next weekend.  Maybe even visiting the hotels gym...and Angela's birthday is next Friday so there will be cake next week again.  I'm ready for it!!!

Journey to a Healthier Mommy

The time has come.  I decided 9 days ago that enough was enough.  I had the tools in front of me, I just had to use them.  Stop ignoring them.  I downloaded the new version of myfitnesspal.com, and started entering what I was eating.  With the newer version came the idea that a pedometer might be a good idea, so I downloaded one onto my phone.
I've been walking.   Either pulling a wagon of water (and a potty), taking my Day Home kiddies with, trying to get in some exercise, but I was just guessing as to how fast I was walking and how many calories I was really burning.  Now I know for sure, my speed, how much time, my distance and my calories.  It gets downloaded from my phone to runastic.com, and to myfitnesspal.com.  I can see right away what I've done, and how many calories I can eat.
I have a bunch of reasons for wanting to be healthier.  I have three children, William, Angela and Michael, and a husband, Kelly.  I want to be there when my children graduate high school, get married, have children.  I don't want to miss that.  I want to show them that I am no longer putting myself last on the list as so many of us Moms do, especially when our children are little.  Mine aren't little anymore. 
I have a wedding to go to next month.  My 25th High School Reunion is in October.  But most of all, I just want to look and feel good.  For Me.
So I have been walking, and counting calories.  For 9 days.  I have  gone over 10,000 steps today for the first time since I started counting.  I am pretty proud of myself.
So my reward tonight is a Peanut Buster Parfait at Diary Queen.  I'm meeting a friend for "coffee".
I won't be having DQ again for 2 weeks.  My wonderful daughter has ordered me an ice cream cake for my birthday...and I will have to do a couple of walks on my birthday to enjoy it.  
I am off on my second walk of the day in a few minutes.  Got to get in another 45 minute walk so I can eat that dessert and enjoy it!!!